“Shine on you crazy diamond” by Pink Floyd, an amazing song that explains perfectly the trap of growing up in my opinion. You’ll loose you’re innocent vision on things and before you know you’re grown up “so you’ll have to carry the consequences of your acts” or at least that’s what they say.. I would love to turn my back to the future and walk back straightaway into the past. Not to fix mistakes, hey those are part of who I am now, but just to be that girl again. No obligations, no standard to act upon and no boundaries. No boundaries to imagination.
I remember moving at the age of 6 to another house, another town. My memories of that new house are very clear, just as if they came in place of the memories of the old one. I often have this dream about that old house. I can see the ground floor of the house clearly, every room I enter shows me a specific moment in my life. I’m playing a computer game to learn the alphabet in the living room, watching at the fish swimming around and around in their bowl at the kitchen counter and in the bathroom I’m searching for my electric toothbrush head. When I go up the stairs step by step the strangest thing happens. Every time I rise that endless wooden staircase, the memories seem lost. And the strangest thing of all is entering in some kind of imaginary world. Somewhere my memories must have been melted together with my dreams about that house. For years now I dream of rising that big wooden staircase and coming in a place where everything is made out of glass, with sunlight being reflected from all sides of the area. I cannot even call it an area, It’s an endless plain of light and it is unclear which are the sides or the bottom and top of it.
For years now I’m caught in that place, my childhood is definitely there on that ground floor but then I took off.. I’d like to break the glass and finally see that shiny and sparkling stardom. But something is holding me back in that place, it’s like my head is waiting for me to overcome that plain and see what the real structure of the house was like. I lost something in that house which is now holding me back to move on. I’d like to think of it as I lost my childhood there as the following years of my life were tough and forced me to grow up without the “in-between” steps others would take. Maybe I’ve missed something in those years that results now in the obligation of being an adult, without being able to reach stardom. Or adulthood is the transitional phase between childhood and stardom, that’s a delightful thought. I can’t figure it out, but what I do know is that it seems as if I’m caught in that place forever, on the crossfire of childhood and stardom.